Seattle Snowstorm 2005 (insert swooshy sound effect)

Raymond Chen

As others have reported, it snowed here in the Seattle area yesterday. One whopping inch. You’d think that Seattle, which gets snow a few times a year, wouldn’t go completely apoplectic the moment the flakes starts falling from the sky. Especially since it all melts away in a few hours anyway.

I didn’t watch the local news last night, but I suspect it went something like this:

Cold Open (3 minutes): LIVE REPORT FROM SEATTLE WHERE YES I THINK I CAN SEE SOME SNOW THAT HASN’T YET MELTED BUT IT COULD JUST BE FOAM FROM A SPILT LATTE.

Custom “SNOWSTORM 2005” graphic title sequence with extra special focus on the weatherman (45 seconds)

Lead story (5 minutes): SNOWSTORM 2005 HAS STRUCK THE NORTHWEST WITH A VENGEANCE. WE WILL GO TO A LIVE REPORT FROM <Reporter X> IN BALLARD.

Reporter X: “Snow is white fluffly stuff that falls from the sky. It happens rarely here in the Northwest, but some parts of the country get it a lot. And here’s some science trivia you can try at your next cocktail party: Snow is actually just frozen water!”

Reporter X and anchors do some Q&A like, “Is it safe to eat snow?” and “This snowfall has been predicted for days; do you think anxiety over the coming storm affected the Seahawks’ performance on Saturday?”

Throughout, a crawl at the bottom of the screen provides critical information like “Wear sturdy boots when walking in snow.”

“STAY TUNED, COVERAGE OF SNOWSTORM 2005 WILL CONTINUE AFTER A SHORT BREAK.”

Commercial (2 minutes)

Second story (5 minutes): COVERAGE OF SNOWSTORM 2005 CONTINUES WITH A LIVE REPORT FROM <Reporter Y> IN ISSAQUAH.

Reporter Y: “Yes, there were reports of snow being spotted as far away as Issaquah. I’m standing here with Gladys Wilkins who claims she saw some snow as early as 7:30 today.”

Interview with Ms. Wilkins.

Anchors banter with Reporter Y saying things like, “Gosh, I hope you’ve got your shovels ready.”

Commercial (2 minutes)

Third story (5 minutes) Continuing coverage of Snowstorm 2005 with footage from the last snowstorm, driving tips (“be careful when driving, because snow is slippery”), cold weather tips (“try wearing a sweater to stay warm”).

Commercial (2 minutes)

Weather report (4 minutes): Weatherman talks about snow and shows you so many Doppler radar graphs it’ll make your head spin. He doesn’t actually say anything useful, but it’s fun to hear phrases like “the Fraser Valley effect” and “a weakening area of low pressure”.

Commercial (2 minutes)

In Other News (10 seconds): Police chief’s gun stolen, how to get great deals at post-holiday sales, and bunny rabbits.

Close titles (5 seconds).