Food products that are offenses against nature: Fast Franks

Raymond Chen

My colleague (who posts under the pseudonym Cloudy Starlight) tipped me off to some wonderful products which made me just stare at the screen agape, unable to express my, um, awe. I’ll focus on one of the products today; the others will have to wait for another day. First, let’s suppose you’ve got a hankerin’ for a hot dog. Your adventure might go like this: “Gotta have a hot dog, gotta have a hot dog. Where’s that hot dog? In the fridge. Right, in the fridge. Open the fridge, find the hot dog. Find the hot dog. Got it. Need a bun. Where’s the bun? Where’s the bun! My kingdom for a bun! Oh, there’s the bun, «pant pant» ah, my bun, my precious. Okay, get a plate, need a plate. No, that one’s too big. No, that’s not microwave-safe. Okay, got a small microwave-safe plate. Put bun with hot dog on plate. Put plate in microwave oven. Punch in thirty seconds. Thirty seconds. Go. Oh wait, close door. Okay, go. Twenty-nine. Twenty-eight. Isn’t there anything faster than a microwave?! Three. Two. One. DING! Yes! I have a hot dog! Put hot dog in bun. Ow, hot hot hot. Yes! Dog is in the bun! Let the hot dog-lisciousy goodness commence!” If that’s your experience with cooking a hot dog in a microwave, may I first recommend psychological treatment. You really need help. Second, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks has been created just for you. Instead of that entire adventure with the bun and the plate, the good people at Kraft have already put the hot dog in a bun and even provided the plate! Thus you’ve saved an entire four seconds of hot dog preparation time. Added up over a year of a daily hot dog obsession, that comes out to nearly twenty-five minutes of your life wasted putting hot dogs in buns and putting them on plates. You could watch an entire episode of Futurama with time left over to replay the best jokes! Let’s take a look at their press release. I reprint it here in its entire awesomeness:

New Oscar Mayer Fast Franks Speed into Summer

MADISON, WI, May 31, 2006 —It’s mouthwatering to imagine — a tasty, hot and juicy Oscar Mayer hot dog wrapped inside a soft and warm bakery-fresh bun. And now imagine only having to wait thirty-five seconds for that first delicious bite.

The great taste and convenience of hot dogs in a bun come together with Oscar Mayer Fast Franks. Each individually wrapped Oscar Mayer Fast Frank tastes great thanks to a specially designed microwavable paper tray that heats the bun just right — so it’s soft and warm right out of the microwave. Preparation is easy, and there’s no cook top mess or boiling water! The hot dog is simply unwrapped, placed in the bun on a specially designed microwaveable tray and heated for a quick 35 seconds, making a delicious all-in-one hot after-school snack for kids, a fun dinner item or part of a quick and yummy lunch for the whole family. Whether it’s in the kitchen or on the go, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks are a summertime favorite that can now be enjoyed any day or time of the year.

Innovation in a Bun: An Oscar Mayer Tradition For more than 120 years, Oscar Mayer continues to lead the industry in making hot dogs using only quality meat and no fillers. In a trusted brand families love, Oscar Mayer has created this innovative new product to satisfy America’s love for hot dogs in a more convenient way. By leveraging proprietary dough technology, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks have made hot dogs easier to enjoy than ever before.

Oscar Mayer Fast Franks will be available in most grocery and convenience stores’ refrigerated sections nationwide beginning this summer.

About Kraft Foods
Kraft Foods (NYSE:KFT) is the world’s second-largest food and beverage company. For more than 100 years, we’ve been dedicated to helping people around the world eat and live better. Hundreds of millions of times a day, in more than 150 countries, consumers reach for their favorite Kraft brands including Kraft cheeses and dinners, Jacobs, Gevalia and Maxwell House coffees, Oscar Mayer meats, DiGiorno pizzas, Oreo cookies, Ritz and Wheat Thins crackers and chips, Philadelphia cream cheese, Milka and Côte d’Or chocolates, Honey Bunches of Oats cereals, Good Seasons salad dressings and Tang refreshment beverage. They’ve also started adding our Tassimo hot beverage system, South Beach Diet line and a growing range of better-for-you Sensible Solution products to their shopping baskets, continually expanding their list of Kraft favorites.

Julie Roberts, Mercury Recording artist, self titled album, ‘A’ (May 2004), was certified gold and led to two Horizon Award nominations (2004) from the Country Music Association. She was also nominated for Top New Artist Nominee (2005) and Top New Female Vocalist Nominee (2006) by the Academy of Country Music Awards, as well as Breakthrough Artist Nominee (2005) by the Country Music Television Awards. Roberts sophomore album Men & Mascara, produced by Byron Gallimore, is set to debut June 2006.

That’s right, they use proprietary dough technology. This ain’t your grandfather’s hot dog bun, no siree. We had researchers toiling away day and night perfecting their dough technology to bring you this perfect specimen of a hot dog bun. And what’s with that whole Julie Roberts thing at the end? What does that have to do with hot dogs? And “A” isn’t a self-titled album. Her name isn’t “A”; it’s Julie Roberts! But that’s okay, because it’s a quick and yummy lunch for the whole family. Note that that’s a family of three people, since only three hot dogs come in a package. We’re talking mommy, daddy, and the kid who throws a tantrum unless he gets a microwave hot dog in thirty seconds. Wait a second, what did it say at the top? Thirty-five seconds? Not thirty seconds? My four-seconds savings gone down the tubes! Noooo! Don’t take away my Futurama!

Nitpicker’s corner

  • The word ain’t is inappropriate in formal writing.
  • Same goes for the word hankerin’.
  • The kid might be a girl.
  • This entry contains sentence fragments as well as run-on sentences.

Apparently there are people who apply the rules of formal scholarly writing under the mistaken impression that blogs are formal scholarly writing. These people should go hang out on LiveJournal until their heads explode.


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