An artist’s conception of the new citizenship test

Raymond Chen

Today is the first day of the controversial redesigned United States citizenship examination. For the next year, candidates who applied before today can choose whether they want to use the old test or the new one.

To help prepare for the new examination, I propose the following warm-up, which I tested (with the assistance of another United States citizen) on a foreign national, a Canadian from British Columbia, so there should be no language barrier as long as we are careful to avoid the word about.

1. What condiment applies to French-fried potatoes?
2. Which fires a bigger bullet, a nine or a twenty-two?
3. Does the metric system suck?
4. How long is a football field? (Note: Answering in metric or confusing football with soccer are automatic disqualifications.)
5. Define class action lawsuit.
6. True or false: You have a God-given right to drink alcohol until you pass out.

Here are the answers the Canadian gave, along with my response and additional commentary from my co-examiner in blue.

1. What condiment applies to French-fried potatoes?
   Vinegar… no, mayonnaise… no wait, it’s that red stuff.

   No credit for not being able to name the red stuff. Negative points for even thinking of the words vinegar or mayonnaise.

2. Which fires a bigger bullet, a nine or a twenty-two?
   That’s what the NRA’s 1-800 number is for, when you need to know, right?

   No credit. Every American knows the hierarchy of firearms.

   Least all real Americans.

3. Does the metric system suck?
   Gol-dang right (scratch)

   Ding.

4. How long is a football field?
   328.08 feet

   Bzzzt. Americans don’t use decimal points and feet in the same sentence. That’s treading dangerously close to that heathen metric system.

5. Define class action lawsuit.
   When more than one American at once abuses the legal system.

   Close. It’s when one American abuses the legal system on behalf of all Americans.

   Unless I am doing it, in which case it isn’t abuse.

6. True or false: You have a God-given right to drink alcohol until you pass out.
   False, because no state law is allowed to refer to God, right?

   Incorrect. You are allowed to refer to God, despite what the ACLU says. Americans are endowed by their Creator with several inalienable rights. Among them are the rights to drink alcohol, discharge firearms, belch, swear, and make obscene gestures.

   You left out scratch and drive.

[Raymond is currently away; this message was pre-recorded.]

Raymond Chen

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