{"id":13965,"date":"2018-03-12T14:18:36","date_gmt":"2018-03-12T19:18:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.msdn.microsoft.com\/bharry\/?p=13965"},"modified":"2020-03-02T04:44:20","modified_gmt":"2020-03-02T12:44:20","slug":"giving-feedback","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/giving-feedback\/","title":{"rendered":"Giving feedback"},"content":{"rendered":"

Six months ago I wrote a post on Taking Feedback<\/a>.\u00a0 Several people asked me to write a follow up on giving feedback.\u00a0 Amazing how time flies and somehow I just haven\u2019t gotten around to it \u2013 so I\u2019m doing it now.<\/p>\n

Here’s a key snippet from the Taking Feedback post if you don’t want to go read the whole thing…<\/p>\n

At some level, all feedback is valid. It is the perception of another person based on some interaction with us. As such it\u2019s important that we listen, understand and think about how we can improve. Yet, not all feedback is to be taken as given \u2013 meaning the person giving the feedback may have heard something that wasn\u2019t true, misinterpreted something, or may simply not have the perspective we have. In the end we are the ones to decide what to do with the feedback. We may decide that the feedback is valid and provides clear ideas for improvement. Or we may decide that we disagree with the feedback but it provides insights into how we could do differently to prevent misperceptions. Or we may decide that the we simply don\u2019t agree with the feedback and we are going to file it away and keep an eye out for future feedback that might make us revisit that conclusion.<\/em><\/p>\n

Giving someone feedback is a wonderful thing but it\u2019s also a very hard thing \u2013 partly because taking feedback can be so difficult that it makes giving it very stressful.\u00a0 There are some things I\u2019ve learned over the years about giving feedback that have made it a little bit easier.<\/p>\n

There are two kinds of feedback<\/h3>\n

This is probably the one I fail the most on.\u00a0 We usually think of feedback as a negative thing \u2013 here\u2019s something you can do better.\u00a0 But positive feedback is equally important \u2013 here\u2019s something you did particularly well.\u00a0 I tend to be so focused on how I and the people around me can do better that I, too often, forget to point out when someone has done something well \u2013 or they have some attribute that I really admire.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t know it at some subconscious level; it\u2019s just that I\u2019m caught up in the next challenge to tackle and it just doesn\u2019t occur to me to say anything about it.<\/p>\n

So, my first piece of advice is try to be very conscious about positive feedback.\u00a0 When you see something you like, say so.\u00a0 Be on the lookout for things to compliment people for.\u00a0 Do it privately; do it publicly.\u00a0 Thank people for something you appreciate.\u00a0 Whether they admit it to themselves or not, everyone likes appreciation and they tend to gravitate to doing things that will earn them more appreciation.\u00a0 Developing a pattern of recognizing good things will encourage people to do more good things.<\/p>\n

At the same time, be careful not to overdo it.\u00a0 There can be too much of a good thing.\u00a0 By that, I mean, don\u2019t compliment people for superficial things or things they didn\u2019t really do.\u00a0 A compliment is most valued when a person feels like they invested energy.\u00a0 If you compliment people for just anything, then you \u201ccheapen\u201d the feedback and make it mean less when it\u2019s really deserved.<\/p>\n

If you are good at giving positive feedback, negative feedback is also easier to give.\u00a0 People are more likely to respond well to negative feedback if it\u2019s given in an environment where, overall, they feel valued than it is if they feel like they are just always criticized for everything and not valued for anything.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a time and a place for everything<\/h3>\n

When and where you give feedback is *super<\/strong>* important.\u00a0 There\u2019s a saying \u201cPublic praise and private criticism.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s a good rule to follow.\u00a0 People really appreciate having their successes publicly celebrated and no one likes being publicly berated.\u00a0 Beyond that, some other important rules, particularly for negative feedback, are:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Find a time when they are ready to hear it<\/strong> \u2013 Unless the feedback is urgently required to avoid a disaster, don\u2019t try to give it when someone is under a great deal of stress (maybe rushing to meet a deadline), frustrated, angry, etc.\u00a0 Feedback is going to be heard and processed best when the person is relaxed and reflective.\u00a0 Make sure you have enough uninterrupted time to fully discuss the feedback.\u00a0 It’s a good idea to ask them if they are ready to for you to give feedback.<\/li>\n
  2. Make sure you are ready to give it <\/strong>\u2013 Similarly to #1, don\u2019t try to give feedback when you are angry or frustrated.\u00a0 Taken the time to digest what you need to say \u2013 to separate your frustration from an objective assessment of what happened.\u00a0 Have a calm conversation about what you observed and what could be done differently.<\/li>\n
  3. If at all possible, give it in person<\/strong> \u2013 Feedback is generally best processed face to face.\u00a0 It is very easy to read unintended tone in written feedback.\u00a0 By giving it in person, you can watch for body language to see if the person is hearing something you aren\u2019t intending to say.\u00a0 Sometimes, of course, it isn\u2019t possible and when it isn\u2019t, you have to be doubly thoughtful about how you say it.\u00a0 Sometimes I give some initial, very light feedback in writing, with an offer to discuss it at length in person (or via video conference, for remote people).<\/li>\n
  4. Give it to the person<\/strong> \u2013 It\u2019s amazing to me how often someone will \u201cgive feedback\u201d to someone else.\u00a0 By that, I mean, complain about what someone did to a third person without ever following up with the person themselves.\u00a0 That\u2019s never going to work and will, in the long run, only create a hostile environment.\u00a0 Always focus your feedback on the person or people directly involved.\u00a0 Sometimes it\u2019s necessary and appropriate to share feedback with a broader audience so that everyone can learn from something.\u00a0 Be careful how you do that because, done wrong that looks a lot like public criticism and never do it without talking to the people directly involved first.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Focus on what you can directly observe<\/h3>\n

    It\u2019s very important to focus on what you can directly observe.\u00a0 Try very hard to avoid \u201cI\u2019ve heard\u2026\u201d or even \u201cSusan told me\u2026\u201d.\u00a0 The problem with relaying feedback from someone else is that you don\u2019t really know what has happened and it\u2019s very hard for you to be constructive.\u00a0 That said, you will, particularly as a manager, get feedback from 3rd<\/sup> parties and it\u2019s not irrelevant.\u00a0 I generally try to use it, carefully, as supporting evidence when giving my own feedback.\u00a0 It helps me understand when things I\u2019ve observed are a pattern vs an anomaly.\u00a0 If someone comes to you with feedback about someone else, try as hard as you can to find a way to facilitate the feedback being given directly between the people involved, even if you need to participate in the discussion to facilitate it.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019ve observed that humans have an inherent tendency to want to ascribe motive \u2013 to determine why someone did something.\u00a0 \u201cJoe left me out of that important conversation because he was trying to undermine me.\u201d\u00a0 Any time you find yourself filling in the because clause, stop.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know why someone does anything.\u00a0 That is locked up securely in their head.\u00a0 When filling in that blank people insert some negative reason that\u2019s worse than reality. \u00a0So, when giving feedback, stick to what you can see.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you left me out of that important conversion.\u00a0 I felt undermined by that.\u00a0 Why did you do it?\u201d\u00a0 In this example, I articulate exactly what I saw happen, how it made me feel and ask Joe to explain to me why.\u00a0 Joe may dispute that he left me out \u2013 that\u2019s fairly factual and we can discuss evidence and Joe can\u2019t dispute how I felt, at least not credibly.\u00a0 Try as hard as you can to stick to things you personally observed and stay away from asserting motive.\u00a0 Have a genuine conversation designed to help you better understand each other\u2019s perspective and what each of you can do better in the future.<\/p>\n

    Consider your relationship<\/h3>\n

    Your relationship with the recipient of your feedback can make a big difference.\u00a0 You need to be careful about how it colors what you say.\u00a0 For instance, as a manager, I always try to be one who is connected to what’s going on in the team and give feedback to anyone and everyone on what I see.\u00a0 Early in my career, I found this can go terribly wrong.\u00a0 An off hand comment to someone several levels below me in the company can be interpreted as a directive to be followed.\u00a0 I may have been musing out loud and somehow, accidentally, countermanded several levels of managers.\u00a0 Try that and see how fast a manager shows up at your door to complain \ud83d\ude0a.\u00a0 Now, I try to be clear when I’m just giving and offhand opinion and when I’m giving direction.\u00a0 I also tell them to go talk with their manager before acting on what I told them and, often, go tell the manager myself what I said.<\/p>\n

    This is just one example of how a relationship can affect how feedback is taken.\u00a0 Feedback from a spouse is different than that from a friend is different than that from a parent is different than that from a co-worker, etc.<\/p>\n

    Acknowledge your role<\/h3>\n

    Often, when giving feedback, it\u2019s about some interaction your were party to \u2013 and, as they say, it takes two to tango.\u00a0 There may have been things you did that contributed to whatever happened.\u00a0 Be prepared to acknowledge them and to talk about them.\u00a0 Don\u2019t refuse to acknowledge that you may have had a role.\u00a0 At the same time, don\u2019t allow the person to make it all about you.\u00a0 You have feedback for them.\u00a0 Don\u2019t let the conversation become only about you.\u00a0 Make sure you are able to deliver your feedback too.\u00a0 You may need to offer to set aside time in the future for the other person to give you feedback so that, for now, you can focus on your feedback.<\/p>\n

    Retrospectives can be powerful<\/h3>\n

    While most of what I\u2019ve written here focuses on how to give feedback to someone, a great technique to drive improvement is to create an environment where people can critique themselves.\u00a0 Retrospectives are an awesome tool to get one or more people to reflect on something and make their own suggestions for improvements.\u00a0 Done right, it is a non-threatening and collaborative environment where ideas and alternate ways of handling things can be explored.\u00a0 Retrospectives, like all feedback, should focus on what happened and what can be better and avoid accusations, blame, and recrimination.\u00a0 You can participate in it and contribute your feedback or you can discuss the outcome and help process it for future actions.<\/p>\n

    Beware of feedback landmines<\/h3>\n
      \n
    1. The feedback sandwich<\/strong> – This is probably one of the hardest ones to get right and depends a lot on you and the person you are talking to.\u00a0 A feedback sandwich is when you tell someone how good they are, then you tell them something you think they need to improve, then you tell them how good they are again.\u00a0 There are legitimate reasons to mix both positive and negative feedback, for example, it helps establish the scope of the feedback. \u00a0If you only give negative feedback, people can read more into it than you mean.\u00a0 I often use a mix of positive and negative feedback so that I am clear about the scope of the negative feedback.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not talking about everything you do, I\u2019m just taking about this specific issue\u201d.\u00a0 Or, “Here’s an example of where you handled something similar well”.\u00a0 However, when it is primarily used to blunt the emotional impact of the feedback, it is dangerous.\u00a0 Taken too far, it can completely dilute your point and make your feedback irrelevant.<\/li>\n
    2. Examples<\/strong> \u2013 When giving feedback, it\u2019s often useful to use examples.\u00a0 Examples help make the feedback concrete.\u00a0 But, don\u2019t allow the conversation to turn into a refutation of every example. \u00a0I\u2019ve been in conversations where the person I\u2019m talking with wants to go through every example I have and explain why my interpretation is wrong.\u00a0 Be open to being wrong but don\u2019t let it turn into point\/counter point.\u00a0 Examples are only examples to support your feedback.<\/li>\n
    3. Comparisons <\/strong>\u2013 Be *very<\/strong>* careful about comparing one person to others.\u00a0 While it\u2019s often useful to suggest better ways of handling something, it\u2019s very dangerous to do it by saying \u201cYou should just do it like Sam.\u201d\u00a0 It creates resentment, among other things.\u00a0 Sometimes it is appropriate to talk about examples of how you\u2019ve seen something handled well before but don\u2019t let it become a \u201cSam is better than you\u201d discussion.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Summary<\/h3>\n

      Ironically, just this last weekend, I was having dinner with a friend that I used to work with (she was on my team).\u00a0 We haven’t worked together in many years but we’ve stayed in touch.\u00a0 While we were having dinner, she told her husband a story about me.\u00a0 She said she remembered a time when she had done a review of her project for me and it had not gone well.\u00a0 After the review, I approached her and asked if she was feeling bad about the review.\u00a0 She said “Yes” and I said “Good, you should be”.\u00a0 We then went on to discuss what was bad about it and what she could do to improve it.\u00a0 On the retelling, it sounded harsh.\u00a0 While I remember the discussion, I don’t remember many details but it got me thinking.\u00a0 On the positive side, it was good for me to approach her separately after the meeting.\u00a0 It was good for me to start with a question of how she was feeling about it.\u00a0 I probably could have come up with a better reply than “Good, you should be”.\u00a0 And I do recall we had a good conversation afterwards about how to improve.\u00a0 If nothing else, this example is proof of how much emotional impact feedback, particularly when not done carefully enough, can have – she has remembered this incident for almost 10 years and I have long forgotten it.<\/p>\n

      Giving feedback is hard.\u00a0 There\u2019s no simple rule for it.\u00a0 It is stressful and can lead to conflict.\u00a0 The best advice I can give you is:<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Give feedback regularly \u2013 both positive and negative.<\/li>\n
      2. Be careful about when and where you give feedback so you can have a calm and thoughtful conversation.<\/li>\n
      3. Focus on things you directly observe and the effects they had on you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ascribe motives and make it a personal attack.<\/li>\n
      4. Consider your relationship and how it will affect how feedback is heard.<\/li>\n
      5. Be aware of your own role and be prepared to discuss it appropriately.<\/li>\n
      6. Use retrospectives as a tool for collecting\/processing feedback in a non-threatening way.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        Lastly, I\u2019ll say, always remember that the purpose of feedback is to help the other person.\u00a0 If you are giving feedback to make yourself feel better (for example feeling vindicated or superior), you are doomed.\u00a0 Stop and rethink what you are doing.<\/p>\n

        As always, I hope this is helpful and feedback is welcome \ud83d\ude0a<\/p>\n

        Brian<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Six months ago I wrote a post on Taking Feedback.\u00a0 Several people asked me to write a follow up on giving feedback.\u00a0 Amazing how time flies and somehow I just haven\u2019t gotten around to it \u2013 so I\u2019m doing it now. Here’s a key snippet from the Taking Feedback post if you don’t want to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":244,"featured_media":14617,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13965","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"acf":[],"blog_post_summary":"

        Six months ago I wrote a post on Taking Feedback.\u00a0 Several people asked me to write a follow up on giving feedback.\u00a0 Amazing how time flies and somehow I just haven\u2019t gotten around to it \u2013 so I\u2019m doing it now. Here’s a key snippet from the Taking Feedback post if you don’t want to […]<\/p>\n","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13965","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/244"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13965"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13965\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14617"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13965"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13965"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/devblogs.microsoft.com\/bharry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13965"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}